This is for CoCo Max...
August 1989.
A litter of Siamese-Himalayan kittens were born. Little did I know that my very best friend was in that litter. To some, they may just think that he was a cat, but to me, he was so much more than that. This is the story of CoCo Max.
October 1989.
My Mother heard from a dear friend of ours that knew someone who had some kittens for sale. $10.00 each. My Mom got in the car and drove into Goderich, Ontario (My home town) and picked the most beautiful kitten out of the bunch. When she came home, my brother Cody and I were beyond excited! A new kitten! I knew that I wanted to call him CoCo and he wanted to call him Max. This would become quite the war, so my mother said that's enough, we will call him CoCo Max. He quickly became a member of the Crane clan and soon realized what he was in for. Two young children who just wanted to play with him all of the time... He didn't really like that. I guess you could say that we were a little rough with him but kids don't know how to handle a small pet. Even though, we were a little rough, he still loved us... But with distance.
CoCo Max was the kind of cat where you had to earn his affection. It took me a long time. He would attack my arms and hands like a crazy cat, and I still have the 'love scars' to prove it.
He made many moves with our family, from Goderich, Ontario to Alexandria, Ontario. Then from Alexandria to North Bay, Ontario. Then eventually his final move from North Bay to Cambridge, Ontario. In all of those years and all of the different places he lived, he was my best friend.
I was a chubby child and I was made fun of all of the time and never really felt that I had anyone that I could talk to. I would talk to CoCo Max. I would cry and tell him how I felt and he would sit there and purr. He always made me feel better. Through all of the broken hearts, he was always there. When I left home at 18, he made every journey in life that I made. We were side kicks to the very end... I never wanted to say goodbye.
When you are attached to a pet for so many years, they become much more than just a cat, he was my family. His health started to fade about a month ago. I remember sitting there crying and told him that he was to tell me when it was time to say goodbye. I just remember balling my eyes out and holding him and he just looked up at me with those big beautiful blue eyes of his and sighed. I knew that our journey was coming to a close, but I just didn't want to have to face reality.
August 18, 2011
That was his 22nd birthday. I made him a special dinner and cuddled with him the whole night. He loved every minute of it and so did I. I knew it was our last birthday together, so I wanted to make it special for him.
August 31st, 2011
He stopped eating. He was giving up. You could see that he wanted to keep going, but he couldn't. I remember coming home from work and he was walking to the door as he always did, but this time it was much different. He was staggering. He couldn't walk. I remember falling to the floor, sobbing and he just came and laid in my lap. When he looked at me, it was like he was saying, "It's my time now". I just looked at him and selfishly said "Don't you dare! Don't you dare leave me. Not now, not ever. I don't want to say goodbye. You are all I have" With that, he look up at me and gave me a very quiet meow. I knew... it was time.
September 1st, 2011
When I left in the morning to go to work, he was on my bed. I said the same thing that I said to him everyday for the last 22 years, "Bye CoCo, have a good day and I love you very much!" I kissed him goodbye and I left. When I returned, he was in the same spot. This time, he didn't meet me at the door. This time, it hit me. I was watching him die. I was watching him suffer. We laid together the whole night, I just held him and cried. I couldn't stop crying. He comforted me. It should have been the other way around. But that was CoCo... That's just the way he was. I knew that our friendship was coming to a close and it was tearing me up on the inside. I didn't sleep that night... Neither did he. We just took each other in.
September 2nd, 2011
That morning I had to gather all of my things because we were going to be spending the weekend at my Mom's place. She was going away with some friends of ours and I was doggy-sitting. CoCo
September 3rd, 2011
I knew today was the day. I was supposed to go and see my Grandparent's but I couldn't bring myself to leave him. When I called my Grandma, she told me to bring him home, and we would say our goodbyes there. That was the start of our last road trip together. I had Inez, Joe and CoCo in the van and we started on our way back to the Goderich area. It seemed only fitting that he returned to his home for the last time. He curled up in the back of the van with the dogs and comforted them as he said his final farewell. They knew and so did he. I cried the whole way there. As a matter of fact, that drive is a total blur. As we were coming up to Elmira, the dark clouds started setting in and I just remember thinking to myself, I don't want a storm today. I want the sun to come out so that he can sit in the grass for one last time. As we passed Listowel, the storm had moved on and the sun came out of the dark clouds. I was thankful. I was thankful, because I could give him my gift.
I arrived at my Grandparent's and let the dogs out of the van and scooped CoCo up in my arms. We went into the back yard where he would feel the grass between his toes and the sun on his face for the very last time. We laid together in the grass, he never took his eyes off of me, and purred a very weak purr. Grandma came out and told me that it was time that headed over to the Wingham Veterinary Clinic, and we walked side by side for the very last time.
The drive there was one of the longest drives I have ever had to endure. He laid in my lap and I gently caressed him letting him know that I loved him very much. I held back the tears as we entered the clinic. Dr. Hawkins was there to greet us. He had stayed there waiting for me to arrive, even though he was closed for the day. He met with CoCo and was very kind.. The best Vet that anyone could ever ask for.
We went from the main lobby to the examination room, a room that normally CoCo Max would fight to get out of, but this time, there was no tug of war. He laid on the table, looked at me and offered his leg to Dr. Hawkins. He was being strong, but I think that he was just doing that for me. I told him how much I loved him while I had his paw in my hand. I kissed him and told him that he was the best friend I have ever had. I was sobbing... CoCo started to purr. He looked at me and I locked eyes with him as the needle entered his leg. I started to scream "I love you CoCo Max! I will always love you!" He never shut his eyes. To the very end, I was the very last thing that he would see.
CoCo Max, you were my best friend and my companion in life that loved me unconditionally. I can not thank you enough for being there through thick and thin... For protecting me from Marek when he would beat me... For being there when I couldn't even pick myself off of the floor... and for being my best friend. I will love you forever and for always. Rest in peace my dearest friend.
Love,
Ashlea
One chapter ends, but another one begins...
Monday, 5 September 2011
Sunday, 22 May 2011
The Glue
This one is dedicated to Larry. I miss you so much it hurts. Happy Birthday...
Tonight was wonderful. Inez and I went down to the park, sat on a bench on the hill and watched all the fireworks go off all around us. It seems as though almost every neighbor I have was battling it out to see who had the best fireworks... I say they all won. There was no one else at the park... It was like it was my own private show. After a while, Inez and I just laid on the grass looking up at nothing but fireworks. I wish that Glenn was here to share that with me... He'll be here for the 1st of July and we can watch them then. I was listening to John Lennon on my play list for most of it. One song in particular, 'Real Love'. I find myself listening to that song a lot lately. When I listen to it, I dream of when I finally get to see him... The Man Named Glenn. I'm sitting here and I can still hear the fireworks... I'm still in the park in my mind. It was like a spark went off and got me going... Gave me that little push... It reminded me of when I was a kid and we would make the drive into Goderich and watch the fireworks down at the lake. Usually the whole neighborhood was there and we would sit on the beach as one big mob. I really miss those days...
The bike rides I really miss. Jana, Angela and I would always get together and ride our bikes all day to different places in the area... Adventures. They were so much fun... Just us and the road. We would have the odd car or truck drive by us... Most of them we knew. We would explore in the back bush at Angela's... Little girls in a bush with big mature trees... I remember there was this one spot where there were a bunch of Trilliums growing where there was sunlight shining through the trees. We picked a lot of them and brought them back to her mom. I remember that was one of my lessons in life... They are the Ontario flower and it's illegal to pick them... Oops. We would play in the field with all the cows and their bull named Billy. We would play in our barns chasing each other around. We weren't the little girls that were afraid to get dirty. We were the girls that wanted adventure. There was a trail not far from my place, just past Luke's, that was tucked away that only the locals knew about. We used to go down there all the time with our bikes... Hitting the trail and seeing how fast we could go down the hills... Well, one time I was with Jana and we were coming down this one hill that I had been down a thousand times before, but this time it was after a big storm that came in off of Lake Huron, and there was a big tree down across the trail just after a bend. Well, I went down and at the bend I hit it at what felt 100 kms/ hr. I remember flying head over heals over the handlebars. I had never felt pain like I did then, but the only thing I could do was laugh. Jana and I were both laughing so hard we thought that we would never stop. As long as I live, I will never forget that.
I miss our old snowmobile gang. I think that's something that I miss the most. Winters in Goderich can be pretty brutal... You have all the snow coming off of the lake and that's when we would get excited. Most people would complain about how bad the driving was and how they had to shovel their driveway.. Not us. The first thing we would do is get on the sleds and go. We would always end up at Larry's... That house was the heart of it all. It was my home away from home... I probably slept there as much as I did at my own home. I loved that house... Still do. As soon as you would walk in you could feel the love. Most of my best memories where there... Up in the 'Big Room' . The 'Big Room' was the huge bonus room they had above the garage that had a T.V, Piano, Play House, Barbie House, Recoding equipment, and a Bar. That was the room where all of our plays were held (Just us kids being kids), to our little music concerts where we would sing anything from Elvis to Whitney Houston's "I'll Always Love You". Some of my best memories where in that room. I remember the infamous Monopoly Game and I always will... One of the most embarrassing moments of my life turned out to be the one I laugh the most about. Stephanie and I always laugh about it when we have our visits. It's funny... You never appreciate those moments when you have them. Not until they are gone. I wish that I could go back and re-live most of those memories... To go back and see the ones that you miss so much. Today is his birthday....
I miss Larry. I miss him a lot. I miss my baseball coach, I miss my music teacher, I miss my best friend, I miss my Dragonfly. I have had to say the last Good Bye to a few people in my life and I miss them all... There is only one I can not let go of. Larry. I can't let him go. This year marks the 10 year anniversary of his death. I haven't been the same since. A huge part of me died with him. I have always been very musical, ever since I was a little girl... But it hurts too much. It's something that I love dearly, but it's just not the same anymore. I'll never forget the day... The day he left us. That day I just didn't feel right. I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to cry and I didn't know why. 911 was the day before and I thought it was because of that... I went to work right from school and tried to get it out of my head... The feeling that something was wrong. It was 10:00 p.m when the phone rang. When it rang, my heart sank and my chest got heavy... I knew... I knew it right then and there that I was right. Krista came out and told me to go home. I told her no. I told her I would stay and help finish the close. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to hear what I was going to hear. I stayed until she finally pushed me out the door. It was 10:42 p.m. and my brother was waiting there for me at the bottom of the steps. I remember just the look in his swollen eyes... and all I can remember is screaming No! No! NO! He's not gone... Don't you dare tell me he's gone. NO! Cody just looked at me and said "He's gone". I just remember falling to the floor and curling up in a ball and sobbing. At the funeral everyone was crying... At the same time everyone was smiling. We all knew that L.J wouldn't want us to be sad. He wouldn't want us to cry... But you couldn't help it... I have never seen so many people at a funeral before. People were lined up outside... That's how many people loved him. That's how many people he touched. The get-together afterwards was about the celebration of someone as beautiful as Larry... That was one of the last times we would all see each other for almost 7 years. It was as if he was the glue that kept us all together. I still cry... I cry because I miss him. I'm angry. I'm angry that he was taken from us. I am angry because he was way too young. I am angry because I never wanted to say goodbye and had to. One day, I won't be angry. One day, I will laugh, instead of crying. Happy Birthday Larry.
As I lay there under the fireworks, I smile and remember that even though you're alone now, you won't be... Not for very much longer.
Tonight was wonderful. Inez and I went down to the park, sat on a bench on the hill and watched all the fireworks go off all around us. It seems as though almost every neighbor I have was battling it out to see who had the best fireworks... I say they all won. There was no one else at the park... It was like it was my own private show. After a while, Inez and I just laid on the grass looking up at nothing but fireworks. I wish that Glenn was here to share that with me... He'll be here for the 1st of July and we can watch them then. I was listening to John Lennon on my play list for most of it. One song in particular, 'Real Love'. I find myself listening to that song a lot lately. When I listen to it, I dream of when I finally get to see him... The Man Named Glenn. I'm sitting here and I can still hear the fireworks... I'm still in the park in my mind. It was like a spark went off and got me going... Gave me that little push... It reminded me of when I was a kid and we would make the drive into Goderich and watch the fireworks down at the lake. Usually the whole neighborhood was there and we would sit on the beach as one big mob. I really miss those days...
The bike rides I really miss. Jana, Angela and I would always get together and ride our bikes all day to different places in the area... Adventures. They were so much fun... Just us and the road. We would have the odd car or truck drive by us... Most of them we knew. We would explore in the back bush at Angela's... Little girls in a bush with big mature trees... I remember there was this one spot where there were a bunch of Trilliums growing where there was sunlight shining through the trees. We picked a lot of them and brought them back to her mom. I remember that was one of my lessons in life... They are the Ontario flower and it's illegal to pick them... Oops. We would play in the field with all the cows and their bull named Billy. We would play in our barns chasing each other around. We weren't the little girls that were afraid to get dirty. We were the girls that wanted adventure. There was a trail not far from my place, just past Luke's, that was tucked away that only the locals knew about. We used to go down there all the time with our bikes... Hitting the trail and seeing how fast we could go down the hills... Well, one time I was with Jana and we were coming down this one hill that I had been down a thousand times before, but this time it was after a big storm that came in off of Lake Huron, and there was a big tree down across the trail just after a bend. Well, I went down and at the bend I hit it at what felt 100 kms/ hr. I remember flying head over heals over the handlebars. I had never felt pain like I did then, but the only thing I could do was laugh. Jana and I were both laughing so hard we thought that we would never stop. As long as I live, I will never forget that.
I miss our old snowmobile gang. I think that's something that I miss the most. Winters in Goderich can be pretty brutal... You have all the snow coming off of the lake and that's when we would get excited. Most people would complain about how bad the driving was and how they had to shovel their driveway.. Not us. The first thing we would do is get on the sleds and go. We would always end up at Larry's... That house was the heart of it all. It was my home away from home... I probably slept there as much as I did at my own home. I loved that house... Still do. As soon as you would walk in you could feel the love. Most of my best memories where there... Up in the 'Big Room' . The 'Big Room' was the huge bonus room they had above the garage that had a T.V, Piano, Play House, Barbie House, Recoding equipment, and a Bar. That was the room where all of our plays were held (Just us kids being kids), to our little music concerts where we would sing anything from Elvis to Whitney Houston's "I'll Always Love You". Some of my best memories where in that room. I remember the infamous Monopoly Game and I always will... One of the most embarrassing moments of my life turned out to be the one I laugh the most about. Stephanie and I always laugh about it when we have our visits. It's funny... You never appreciate those moments when you have them. Not until they are gone. I wish that I could go back and re-live most of those memories... To go back and see the ones that you miss so much. Today is his birthday....
I miss Larry. I miss him a lot. I miss my baseball coach, I miss my music teacher, I miss my best friend, I miss my Dragonfly. I have had to say the last Good Bye to a few people in my life and I miss them all... There is only one I can not let go of. Larry. I can't let him go. This year marks the 10 year anniversary of his death. I haven't been the same since. A huge part of me died with him. I have always been very musical, ever since I was a little girl... But it hurts too much. It's something that I love dearly, but it's just not the same anymore. I'll never forget the day... The day he left us. That day I just didn't feel right. I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to cry and I didn't know why. 911 was the day before and I thought it was because of that... I went to work right from school and tried to get it out of my head... The feeling that something was wrong. It was 10:00 p.m when the phone rang. When it rang, my heart sank and my chest got heavy... I knew... I knew it right then and there that I was right. Krista came out and told me to go home. I told her no. I told her I would stay and help finish the close. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to hear what I was going to hear. I stayed until she finally pushed me out the door. It was 10:42 p.m. and my brother was waiting there for me at the bottom of the steps. I remember just the look in his swollen eyes... and all I can remember is screaming No! No! NO! He's not gone... Don't you dare tell me he's gone. NO! Cody just looked at me and said "He's gone". I just remember falling to the floor and curling up in a ball and sobbing. At the funeral everyone was crying... At the same time everyone was smiling. We all knew that L.J wouldn't want us to be sad. He wouldn't want us to cry... But you couldn't help it... I have never seen so many people at a funeral before. People were lined up outside... That's how many people loved him. That's how many people he touched. The get-together afterwards was about the celebration of someone as beautiful as Larry... That was one of the last times we would all see each other for almost 7 years. It was as if he was the glue that kept us all together. I still cry... I cry because I miss him. I'm angry. I'm angry that he was taken from us. I am angry because he was way too young. I am angry because I never wanted to say goodbye and had to. One day, I won't be angry. One day, I will laugh, instead of crying. Happy Birthday Larry.
As I lay there under the fireworks, I smile and remember that even though you're alone now, you won't be... Not for very much longer.
My Trail
Well, it's been over a week since my last blog... Things are great and I'm staying positive. I'm done with letting life get me down. I realized that there are so many wonderful little things in life that can make you feel fulfilled. Inez and I have been walking a lot and we just started using my bike. Today was our first day out with it and I have to say, Inez really impressed me. My bike has just been sitting in the office with two flat tires since March... I have been staring at it for almost 3 months... When I'm depressed, I don't feel like doing anything... You really loose yourself after a while.
Three years ago, 'Old Ashlea' would have been out on the trails, driving around all of Southern Ontario looking for interesting places like Rattle Snake Point and going to new cities that I had never been to before. I was a girl on the go. A girl with a million dreams that she thought no one could crush. There are a few trails here in Cambridge that are my favorite. Not because they are close and you can save money by staying in town, but because they are charming... They have character. My favorite is the trail that connects Preston to Hespeler Village. There are tree stumps that people have carved into seats... Trees arch over the trail creating the most perfect picture... The river runs right along side it... There is the cutest little house that is on an island with a big blue moose in the back yard... You see deer in the meadow almost every time... There are a million reasons why this is my favorite trail. I have not been on this trail this year... Not yet.
Money is tight and there isn't as much to do, but Inez and I always seem to be able to find something to do in our neighborhood. There is a park near by, just down the street actually, where we go and sit by the stream watching the ducks and Canada geese float on by. Last night we went to the other side of the park into downtown Gault and ran up the stairs that lead you to one of the best lookout spots in all of Cambridge. We sat at the top and just looked down at one of my favorite parts of West Gault... Yesterday was a good day... We went for a drive just like the "Old Ashlea' would have done. We went down to Preston to Riverside Park... It was pretty busy there but Inez had a blast. There were a lot of little children around for her to interact with... They love her, and she loves them. A win win for both sides. We walked to the big arched bridge over the river and we just watched the current rush over the rocks below. Inez likes our walks, I love our walks... A win win.
Today it was supposed to rain, but much to our surprise, it was sunny and beautiful. We went for our walk around the neighborhood and then we went to Canadian Tire and used a gift card that a customer sent into me with his thank you card. We bought a bike pump. It was the exact price that my gift card was so all I had to pay for was the tax. A pump to fill those flat tires... Those flat tires attached to my bike that I have been looking at for the last 3 months. My poor bike. It has been locked away for almost 2 1/2 years. Marek didn't like to bike, I think because he didn't know how to. I love to bike... The "Old Ashlea' loved to bike. The "New-Old Ashlea' loves to bike. I couldn't get the air in the tires fast enough... Inez was looking at me as if I was a crazy person. The excitement was coursing through my veins and the adrenaline was flowing! Inez and I took a test drive down the hallway of our building and she was great. It was a struggle to get it up the stairs with her attached to my waist. A man went rushing down the stairs looking at me as he let the door close behind him... "Thank you very much" I just kind of muttered to myself. We made it... We made it out the door without any cuts or scrapes from the foot pedals. At this point I'm thinking to myself, "This could be a lot of fun, or this could be the bike ride from hell". I got my tunes all set up before we took off and I just kind of cleared my head, look at Inez and said "Please don't kill us"... With that, she just smiled at me. We took off out the drive way and onto the side walk where neither one of us could get his by a car. It was like we had done it a million times before... She loved it and I loved it... A win win
Three years ago, 'Old Ashlea' would have been out on the trails, driving around all of Southern Ontario looking for interesting places like Rattle Snake Point and going to new cities that I had never been to before. I was a girl on the go. A girl with a million dreams that she thought no one could crush. There are a few trails here in Cambridge that are my favorite. Not because they are close and you can save money by staying in town, but because they are charming... They have character. My favorite is the trail that connects Preston to Hespeler Village. There are tree stumps that people have carved into seats... Trees arch over the trail creating the most perfect picture... The river runs right along side it... There is the cutest little house that is on an island with a big blue moose in the back yard... You see deer in the meadow almost every time... There are a million reasons why this is my favorite trail. I have not been on this trail this year... Not yet.
Money is tight and there isn't as much to do, but Inez and I always seem to be able to find something to do in our neighborhood. There is a park near by, just down the street actually, where we go and sit by the stream watching the ducks and Canada geese float on by. Last night we went to the other side of the park into downtown Gault and ran up the stairs that lead you to one of the best lookout spots in all of Cambridge. We sat at the top and just looked down at one of my favorite parts of West Gault... Yesterday was a good day... We went for a drive just like the "Old Ashlea' would have done. We went down to Preston to Riverside Park... It was pretty busy there but Inez had a blast. There were a lot of little children around for her to interact with... They love her, and she loves them. A win win for both sides. We walked to the big arched bridge over the river and we just watched the current rush over the rocks below. Inez likes our walks, I love our walks... A win win.
Today it was supposed to rain, but much to our surprise, it was sunny and beautiful. We went for our walk around the neighborhood and then we went to Canadian Tire and used a gift card that a customer sent into me with his thank you card. We bought a bike pump. It was the exact price that my gift card was so all I had to pay for was the tax. A pump to fill those flat tires... Those flat tires attached to my bike that I have been looking at for the last 3 months. My poor bike. It has been locked away for almost 2 1/2 years. Marek didn't like to bike, I think because he didn't know how to. I love to bike... The "Old Ashlea' loved to bike. The "New-Old Ashlea' loves to bike. I couldn't get the air in the tires fast enough... Inez was looking at me as if I was a crazy person. The excitement was coursing through my veins and the adrenaline was flowing! Inez and I took a test drive down the hallway of our building and she was great. It was a struggle to get it up the stairs with her attached to my waist. A man went rushing down the stairs looking at me as he let the door close behind him... "Thank you very much" I just kind of muttered to myself. We made it... We made it out the door without any cuts or scrapes from the foot pedals. At this point I'm thinking to myself, "This could be a lot of fun, or this could be the bike ride from hell". I got my tunes all set up before we took off and I just kind of cleared my head, look at Inez and said "Please don't kill us"... With that, she just smiled at me. We took off out the drive way and onto the side walk where neither one of us could get his by a car. It was like we had done it a million times before... She loved it and I loved it... A win win
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Mulburry Inez
Today the sun was shining, big beautiful white fluffy clouds up in the sky and the birds were singing. Inez and I were all ready to go... Running shoes- Check..... Poop bags- Check.... Music.... Music.... Hey! My phone was dead and I didn't have my play list and now I really wasn't looking forward to our walk. On any other day I would start off by playing song #1- The Sword by Slash, but today I couldn't. Normally, that song would set the pace for my walk/jog and get me all revved up as I walk down the hallway to go outside. As I walk under the limbs of the huge maple tree is where I would hear the beginning to Slash's solo. That strong raw sound drives Inez and I into a strong walking pace... I never stop to look anything, we just go. Today I had no music to drive me so I was at my normal pace and instead of taking off just under the huge maple, I stopped to see the leaf buds getting ready to open up... Soon my big beautiful maple tree will be covered in leaves. Suddenly I'm not missing the music quite as much. We carry on our way down the big hill where song #2 I Need A Doctor by Dr. Dre always starts... Instead of taking off down the hill, we just took our time getting to the bottom. There were children playing on the sidewalk, fighting over who pushed who... Brother's and sister's just doing their thing. I started thinking back to when Cody and I were kids... The Epic Battles we would have. I feel terrible at times when I think back, but sometimes it just makes you laugh. I found myself smiling as I passed the fighting children and we carried on our way to the bottom of the hill where we connect to the trail that leads through the park. The trail is where song #3 begins... Aerials by System of a Down. Instead of paying attention the the stream that runs beside the trail, I normally jog through and over the little bridge that takes you to the other side. Not today. Today we watched the stream rush over the rocks... Ducks floating by just catching the current. Inez was smelling all around with what looked to be a big smile on that lovely little face of hers. She sat and watched the ducks with me and when we crossed the bridge we stopped in the middle and watched the rushing stream go underneath us. Song #4 usually starts here... B.Y.O.B by System of a Down. Inez and I normally cruise through the other side of the park, through the tunnel and over the bridge to the lovely garden area the city always plants around this time of the year. Today we just took our time watching the kids play on the jungle gym when a little girl noticed Inez. She came running over like a bat out of hell with her Dad right behind her. I stopped and so did Inez. Inez is great with kids... I'm really proud of her. The little girl asked if she could pet Inez, but her dad was a little worried. Inez is a big dog, and she was very little. I can understand how he was feeling... He doesn't know Inez and if she's friendly or not. I told the little girl that it was o.k only if it was o.k with her daddy. She didn't listen and just started petting Inez. Inez returned the favor with a big kiss across her cheek and she giggled. We continued on to where song #5 would always start... Lonely by System of a Down. We're through the old limestone tunnel now walking under the huge willow trees. Weeping Willows... They're my favorite... We sat on a big rock underneath one of my willows and watched squirrels run from limb to limb, over the stream to another tree and back to another. Inez was standing on the edge of the stream just inching her way closer... She loves the water. I can't understand it... They tried to drown her in the middle of a lake in Alabama and yet, she still loves the water.
This is where my memory takes me back to the first day I saw Inez. I was at the GRC (Greyhound Rescue Canada) volunteering and walking the hounds. I knew that there was a 98% chance that I was coming home with one that day, but I still wasn't sure. I had one picked out. Her name was Penny. Penny was a Faun Greyhound and she was beautiful. A day before I went there I looked at the website and saw that she had been adopted. I was devastated... I wanted her so bad. She was the first dog that I saw when I went into the kennel. She was small, sad and broken. I felt for her but I knew she was going to a good home. I took a look around and that's when I saw Inez. All the other dogs were crying because they knew some of them would be walked and others wouldn't get the chance. Inez was just sitting there looking at me with this huge smile on her face... She knew and with that I knew. I had been separated from Marek about two weeks at this time, and I needed her just as much as she needed me. I wanted to walk all of the dogs, but there was a good turn out that day so everyone just got one. I chose her, or I should say she chose me. When they let her out of her cage, she came right up to me jumping up trying to kiss me. Normally, I am not a fan of that... but this time it was much different. She never left my side from that moment on. All the volunteers were just shocked at how comfortable she was with me right off the bat. These dogs are abused and broken. They are skinny, scared and hungry. Every hound there had their tail between their legs and their eyes to the ground. Not Inez. Her head was high, her tail was wagging and her eyes were bright. We sat there for a while before the walk and got to know one another. She would lean into me giving me what they call a Greyhound Hug. I remember at one point I was down on my knee and I said to her "Would you like to come home with me today?" and she turned around and gave me a big kiss. We have been a team ever since.
I realized today that we have grown. We have been to hell and back but we still keep going. We still have that drive to be happy. We're walking towards our trial again, this is where song #6 always starts... Question by System of a Down. This is the song that pushes us up both hills without slowing down. Today we just took our time. Today was a day that we 'stopped to smell the roses' and it felt great. We passed the same fighting children and I still smiled and we continued up the hill. The walk always ends with Suite-pee by System of a Down or Only Girl in the World by Rhianna (depending on how I feel) but today it ended with Inez and I enjoying the spring sunset. Today... Today was a good day.
This is where my memory takes me back to the first day I saw Inez. I was at the GRC (Greyhound Rescue Canada) volunteering and walking the hounds. I knew that there was a 98% chance that I was coming home with one that day, but I still wasn't sure. I had one picked out. Her name was Penny. Penny was a Faun Greyhound and she was beautiful. A day before I went there I looked at the website and saw that she had been adopted. I was devastated... I wanted her so bad. She was the first dog that I saw when I went into the kennel. She was small, sad and broken. I felt for her but I knew she was going to a good home. I took a look around and that's when I saw Inez. All the other dogs were crying because they knew some of them would be walked and others wouldn't get the chance. Inez was just sitting there looking at me with this huge smile on her face... She knew and with that I knew. I had been separated from Marek about two weeks at this time, and I needed her just as much as she needed me. I wanted to walk all of the dogs, but there was a good turn out that day so everyone just got one. I chose her, or I should say she chose me. When they let her out of her cage, she came right up to me jumping up trying to kiss me. Normally, I am not a fan of that... but this time it was much different. She never left my side from that moment on. All the volunteers were just shocked at how comfortable she was with me right off the bat. These dogs are abused and broken. They are skinny, scared and hungry. Every hound there had their tail between their legs and their eyes to the ground. Not Inez. Her head was high, her tail was wagging and her eyes were bright. We sat there for a while before the walk and got to know one another. She would lean into me giving me what they call a Greyhound Hug. I remember at one point I was down on my knee and I said to her "Would you like to come home with me today?" and she turned around and gave me a big kiss. We have been a team ever since.
I realized today that we have grown. We have been to hell and back but we still keep going. We still have that drive to be happy. We're walking towards our trial again, this is where song #6 always starts... Question by System of a Down. This is the song that pushes us up both hills without slowing down. Today we just took our time. Today was a day that we 'stopped to smell the roses' and it felt great. We passed the same fighting children and I still smiled and we continued up the hill. The walk always ends with Suite-pee by System of a Down or Only Girl in the World by Rhianna (depending on how I feel) but today it ended with Inez and I enjoying the spring sunset. Today... Today was a good day.
Friday, 22 April 2011
The Girl Named Jen
This one is for a young lady named 'Jen'....
I never imagined when I started writing my blogs that I would get the response that I've been getting. I didn't realize that my experiences have touched some of you, helped some of you, made you smile and made you cry. At first, I was reaching out... Just trying to have a voice... Then I reached some abused women. I just want to thank you for sending messages and e-mails. It truly warms my heart to know that I am giving you your strength back... Your life back. Just the other day, I received an e-mail from a young lady named Jen. Jen was in an abusive relationship for the past 3 years. Her man (or man-child) was almost the same as Marek. He was beating her to the point where she feared for her life if she left. He was threatening to hurt her... hurt her family... Almost the exact same as myself.
Jen asked me how I found the courage to leave. I just responded "my family was my courage... my friends were my courage. I couldn't sit back and watch them hurt anymore. I couldn't watch them hurt because of me." Enough was enough and something just explodes inside of you... I AM A HUMAN BEING! I DON'T DESERVE THIS! NO ONE DESERVES THIS! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!! With that, your world starts to shake, the adrenaline is just coursing through your veins and you know at that point that you just need to escape. Escape a life that haunts you...
I received an e-mail from Jen today. It read...
Thank you Jen. Thank you for having the courage to leave. Thank you for having the strength to dial that number. Thank you. I feel much better knowing that you are O.K. I am glad to hear that you are out of there. The next few weeks are going to be the hardest. He will call, he will call a million times. He wants to have the control back. He wants to know that he's still able to control and hurt you. Be STRONG! STAY STRONG! JEN! He will come knocking on that door... He will try to get in. Stay one step a head of him. Don't let him break you down. You've come this far, don't break down Jen, don't break down. Stay close to friends and family. Don't talk about him... Don't. By bringing him up, he still has that control. Your friends and family have suffered enough, do them a big favor and just don't bring him up. Live your life from this day on for you, not for him. He doesn't exist anymore. He is NOTHING anymore. He is powerless. Jen, I am so very proud of you... I know how hard that was to do, I know how hard it is right now, and I know how hard it will be in the weeks to come. Keep smiling, stay strong, go out and find you again. This is the healing time... Welcome it with loving arms Jen, because your life only gets better from here. I want everyone to say "Congratulations Jen! May your journey be an amazing one!"
To all the women like Jen that are out there, I am here. To all of my other followers, thank you as well. You can send me comments through my blogs, you can Twitter me @CaulkMater or you can e-mail me at ashleacrane@rogers.com. I welcome feed back, whether it be good or bad.
Stay tuned for the next blog!
I never imagined when I started writing my blogs that I would get the response that I've been getting. I didn't realize that my experiences have touched some of you, helped some of you, made you smile and made you cry. At first, I was reaching out... Just trying to have a voice... Then I reached some abused women. I just want to thank you for sending messages and e-mails. It truly warms my heart to know that I am giving you your strength back... Your life back. Just the other day, I received an e-mail from a young lady named Jen. Jen was in an abusive relationship for the past 3 years. Her man (or man-child) was almost the same as Marek. He was beating her to the point where she feared for her life if she left. He was threatening to hurt her... hurt her family... Almost the exact same as myself.
Jen asked me how I found the courage to leave. I just responded "my family was my courage... my friends were my courage. I couldn't sit back and watch them hurt anymore. I couldn't watch them hurt because of me." Enough was enough and something just explodes inside of you... I AM A HUMAN BEING! I DON'T DESERVE THIS! NO ONE DESERVES THIS! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!! With that, your world starts to shake, the adrenaline is just coursing through your veins and you know at that point that you just need to escape. Escape a life that haunts you...
I received an e-mail from Jen today. It read...
"Ashlea, I did it. I finally did it. I called the cops and he's gone. Ashlea, he's gone. He came home and was mad at someone else, and he started to take it out on me. He started to beat me down. I ran into the bathroom... My adrenaline was going... I was shaking. Just like you said, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" I had my cell phone with me, I dialed 911... He's gone. Ashlea, he's really gone."
Thank you Jen. Thank you for having the courage to leave. Thank you for having the strength to dial that number. Thank you. I feel much better knowing that you are O.K. I am glad to hear that you are out of there. The next few weeks are going to be the hardest. He will call, he will call a million times. He wants to have the control back. He wants to know that he's still able to control and hurt you. Be STRONG! STAY STRONG! JEN! He will come knocking on that door... He will try to get in. Stay one step a head of him. Don't let him break you down. You've come this far, don't break down Jen, don't break down. Stay close to friends and family. Don't talk about him... Don't. By bringing him up, he still has that control. Your friends and family have suffered enough, do them a big favor and just don't bring him up. Live your life from this day on for you, not for him. He doesn't exist anymore. He is NOTHING anymore. He is powerless. Jen, I am so very proud of you... I know how hard that was to do, I know how hard it is right now, and I know how hard it will be in the weeks to come. Keep smiling, stay strong, go out and find you again. This is the healing time... Welcome it with loving arms Jen, because your life only gets better from here. I want everyone to say "Congratulations Jen! May your journey be an amazing one!"
To all the women like Jen that are out there, I am here. To all of my other followers, thank you as well. You can send me comments through my blogs, you can Twitter me @CaulkMater or you can e-mail me at ashleacrane@rogers.com. I welcome feed back, whether it be good or bad.
Stay tuned for the next blog!
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Burning Ring of Fire
Well, what can I say. This is a first for me, but I am really looking forward to this. I have always wanted to just share my thoughts and feelings with random people... Who know's we all might have a lot in common. I want to start off by telling you all a little bit about myself. I am 27, in a wonderful and fresh relationship with a wonderful man named Glenn. I have been divorced and hopefully, I will never experience that again. Up until a few months ago, things were looking very bleak, but now I'm getting my life back on track and it feels great!
My ex-husband was a piece of work... A drunk, abusive, poor excuse of a man! I would be covered in bruises all the time, I wasn't allowed to be outgoing like I am, he literally took my life and my identity away from me. I feared for my life on a daily basis and it got to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. There were times where a knife was held to my throat... There were times I was picked up by my throat and carried across my apartment with him telling me he was going to kill me. I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thought of just putting myself out of my own misery. There were times I held that very knife to my wrists... Just looking for a way out. I thought that if I left, he would just find me and kill me himself. He threated my family all of the time which didn't help the situation at all. Looking back, I wish I never put that ring on my finger. It was a burning ring of fire. I was a prisoner in my own home... Not allowed to leave for more than an hour at a time... And even still I was getting phone calls every 20-30 min with him checking where I was and who I might be with. To be 27 and divorced... not a warm fuzzy feeling.
One day, I finally had enough! He would always tell me that I wasn't good enough for anyone else, that no one could ever love me, and that I needed to change who I was as an individual. He was in a drunken rage, tossing me around like a slab of meat when I finally reached my breaking point. I stopped, took a deep breathe and said "If you can't love me for who I am, you just need to leave!" And with that, he left. At first that was a huge blow to my already non-existent ego, but I would soon feel a sigh of relief not long after that. (That was August of 2010) However, he wouldn't go down that easily and I would still have to deal with his harassment on a daily basis. He finally left Canada and went back to his home country (Poland) in December of 2010. Even with him over in Europe, I still feel uneasy from time to time. I know, that even though he is there, he's not gone yet. Over a 3 year period, I had slipped into a dark depression... Finding myself in a dark hole with no light to guide me out of it. One day, out of nowhere, my light appeared and I was well on my way to healing... Moving on... Finally at peace.
My ex-husband was a piece of work... A drunk, abusive, poor excuse of a man! I would be covered in bruises all the time, I wasn't allowed to be outgoing like I am, he literally took my life and my identity away from me. I feared for my life on a daily basis and it got to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. There were times where a knife was held to my throat... There were times I was picked up by my throat and carried across my apartment with him telling me he was going to kill me. I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thought of just putting myself out of my own misery. There were times I held that very knife to my wrists... Just looking for a way out. I thought that if I left, he would just find me and kill me himself. He threated my family all of the time which didn't help the situation at all. Looking back, I wish I never put that ring on my finger. It was a burning ring of fire. I was a prisoner in my own home... Not allowed to leave for more than an hour at a time... And even still I was getting phone calls every 20-30 min with him checking where I was and who I might be with. To be 27 and divorced... not a warm fuzzy feeling.
One day, I finally had enough! He would always tell me that I wasn't good enough for anyone else, that no one could ever love me, and that I needed to change who I was as an individual. He was in a drunken rage, tossing me around like a slab of meat when I finally reached my breaking point. I stopped, took a deep breathe and said "If you can't love me for who I am, you just need to leave!" And with that, he left. At first that was a huge blow to my already non-existent ego, but I would soon feel a sigh of relief not long after that. (That was August of 2010) However, he wouldn't go down that easily and I would still have to deal with his harassment on a daily basis. He finally left Canada and went back to his home country (Poland) in December of 2010. Even with him over in Europe, I still feel uneasy from time to time. I know, that even though he is there, he's not gone yet. Over a 3 year period, I had slipped into a dark depression... Finding myself in a dark hole with no light to guide me out of it. One day, out of nowhere, my light appeared and I was well on my way to healing... Moving on... Finally at peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)