The Glue

This one is dedicated to Larry. I miss you so much it hurts. Happy Birthday...



Tonight was wonderful. Inez and I went down to the park, sat on a bench on the hill and watched all the fireworks go off all around us. It seems as though almost every neighbor I have was battling it out to see who had the best fireworks... I say they all won. There was no one else at the park... It was like it was my own private show. After a while, Inez and I just laid on the grass looking up at nothing but fireworks. I wish that Glenn was here to share that with me... He'll be here for the 1st of July and we can watch them then. I was listening to John Lennon on my play list for most of it. One song in particular, 'Real Love'. I find myself listening to that song a lot lately. When I listen to it, I dream of when I finally get to see him... The Man Named Glenn. I'm sitting here and I can still hear the fireworks... I'm still in the park in my mind. It was like a spark went off and got me going... Gave me that little push... It reminded me of when I was a kid and we would make the drive into Goderich and watch the fireworks down at the lake. Usually the whole neighborhood was there and we would sit on the beach as one big mob.  I really miss those days...

The bike rides I really miss. Jana, Angela and I would always get together and ride our bikes all day to different places in the area... Adventures. They were so much fun... Just us and the road. We would have the odd car or truck drive by us... Most of them we knew. We would explore in the back bush at Angela's... Little girls in a bush with big mature trees... I remember there was this one spot where there were a bunch of Trilliums growing where there was sunlight shining through the trees. We picked a lot of them and brought them back to her mom. I remember that was one of my lessons in life... They are the Ontario flower and it's illegal to pick them... Oops. We would play in the field with all the cows and their bull named Billy. We would play in our barns chasing each other around. We weren't the little girls that were afraid to get dirty. We were the girls that wanted adventure. There was a trail not far from my place, just past Luke's, that was tucked away that only the locals knew about. We used to go down there all the time with our bikes... Hitting the trail and seeing how fast we could go down the hills... Well, one time I was with Jana and we were coming down this one hill that I had been down a thousand times before, but this time it was after a big storm that came in off of Lake Huron, and there was a big tree down across the trail just after a bend. Well, I went down and at the bend I hit it at what felt 100 kms/ hr. I remember flying head over heals over the handlebars. I had never felt pain like I did then, but the only thing I could do was laugh. Jana and I were both laughing so hard we thought that we would never stop. As long as I live, I will never forget that.

I miss our old snowmobile gang. I think that's something that I miss the most. Winters in Goderich can be pretty brutal... You have all the snow coming off of the lake and that's when we would get excited. Most people would complain about how bad the driving was and how they had to shovel their driveway.. Not us. The first thing we would do is get on the sleds and go. We would always end up at Larry's... That house was the heart of it all. It was my home away from home... I probably slept there as much as I did at my own home. I loved that house... Still do. As soon as you would walk in you could feel the love. Most of my best memories where there... Up in the 'Big Room' . The 'Big Room' was the huge bonus room they had above the garage that had a T.V, Piano, Play House, Barbie House, Recoding equipment, and a Bar. That was the room where all of our plays were held (Just us kids being kids), to our little music concerts where we would sing anything from Elvis to Whitney Houston's "I'll Always Love You".  Some of my best memories where in that room. I remember the infamous Monopoly Game and I always will... One of the most embarrassing moments of my life turned out to be the one I laugh the most about. Stephanie and I always laugh about it when we have our visits. It's funny... You never appreciate those moments when you have them. Not until they are gone. I wish that I could go back and re-live most of those memories... To go back and see the ones that you miss so much. Today is his birthday....

I miss Larry. I miss him a lot. I miss my baseball coach, I miss my music teacher, I miss my best friend, I miss my Dragonfly. I have had to say the last Good Bye to a few people in my life and I miss them all... There is only one I can not let go of. Larry. I can't let him go. This year marks the 10 year anniversary of his death. I haven't been the same since. A huge part of me died with him. I have always been very musical, ever since I was a little girl... But it hurts too much. It's something that I love dearly, but it's just not the same anymore. I'll never forget the day... The day he left us. That day I just didn't feel right. I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to cry and I didn't know why. 911 was the day before and I thought it was because of that... I went to work right from school and tried to get it out of my head... The feeling that something was wrong. It was 10:00 p.m when the phone rang. When it rang, my heart sank and my chest got heavy... I knew... I knew it right then and there that I was right. Krista came out and told me to go home. I told her no. I told her I would stay and help finish the close. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to hear what I was going to hear. I stayed until she finally pushed me out the door. It was 10:42 p.m. and my brother was waiting there for me at the bottom of the steps. I remember just the look in his swollen eyes... and all I can remember is screaming No! No! NO! He's not gone... Don't you dare tell me he's gone. NO! Cody just looked at me and said "He's gone". I just remember falling to the floor and curling up in a ball and sobbing. At the funeral everyone was crying... At the same time everyone was smiling. We all knew that L.J wouldn't want us to be sad. He wouldn't want us to cry... But you couldn't help it... I have never seen so many people at a funeral before. People were lined up outside... That's how many people loved him. That's how many people he touched. The get-together afterwards was about the celebration of someone as beautiful as Larry... That was one of the last times we would all see each other for almost 7 years. It was as if he was the glue that kept us all together. I still cry... I cry because I miss him. I'm angry. I'm angry that he was taken from us. I am angry because he was way too young. I am angry because I never wanted to say goodbye and had to. One day, I won't be angry. One day, I will laugh, instead of crying. Happy Birthday Larry.

As I lay there under the fireworks, I smile and remember that even though you're alone now, you won't be... Not for very much longer.