The Girl Named Jen

This one is for a young lady named 'Jen'....


I never imagined when I started writing my blogs that I would get the response that I've been getting. I didn't realize that my experiences have touched some of you, helped some of you, made you smile and made you cry. At first, I was reaching out... Just trying to have a voice... Then I reached some abused women. I just want to thank you for sending messages and e-mails. It truly warms my heart to know that I am giving you your strength back... Your life back. Just the other day, I received an e-mail from a young lady named Jen. Jen was in an abusive relationship for the past 3 years. Her man (or man-child) was almost the same as Marek. He was beating her to the point where she feared for her life if she left. He was threatening to hurt her... hurt her family... Almost the exact same as myself.
Jen asked me how I found the courage to leave. I just responded "my family was my courage... my friends were my courage. I couldn't sit back and watch them hurt anymore. I couldn't watch them hurt because of me." Enough was enough and something just explodes inside of you... I AM A HUMAN BEING! I DON'T DESERVE THIS! NO ONE DESERVES THIS! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!! With that, your world starts  to shake, the adrenaline is just coursing through your veins and you know at that point that you just need to escape. Escape a life that haunts you...
I received an e-mail from Jen today. It read...

"Ashlea, I did it. I finally did it. I called the cops and he's gone. Ashlea, he's gone. He came home and was mad at someone else, and he started to take it out on me. He started to beat me down. I ran into the bathroom... My adrenaline was going... I was shaking. Just like you said, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!" I had my cell phone with me, I dialed 911... He's gone. Ashlea, he's really gone."

Thank you Jen. Thank you for having the courage to leave. Thank you for having the strength to dial that number. Thank you. I feel much better knowing that you are O.K. I am glad to hear that you are out of there. The next few weeks are going to be the hardest. He will call, he will call a million times. He wants to have the control back. He wants to know that he's still able to control and hurt you. Be STRONG! STAY STRONG! JEN! He will come knocking on that door... He will try to get in. Stay one step a head of him. Don't let him break you down. You've come this far, don't break down Jen, don't break down. Stay close to friends and family. Don't talk about him... Don't. By bringing him up, he still has that control. Your friends and family have suffered enough, do them a big favor and just don't bring him up. Live your life from this day on for you, not for him. He doesn't exist anymore. He is NOTHING anymore. He is powerless. Jen, I am so very proud of you... I know how hard that was to do, I know how hard it is right now, and I know how hard it will be in the weeks to come. Keep smiling, stay strong, go out and find you again. This is the healing time... Welcome it with loving arms Jen, because your life only gets better from here. I want everyone to say "Congratulations Jen! May your journey be an amazing one!"

To all the women like Jen that are out there, I am here. To all of my other followers, thank you as well. You can send me comments through my blogs, you can Twitter me @CaulkMater or you can e-mail me at ashleacrane@rogers.com.  I welcome feed back, whether it be good or bad.

Stay tuned for the next blog!

Burning Ring of Fire

Well, what can I say. This is a first for me, but I am really looking forward to this. I have always wanted to just share my thoughts and feelings with random people... Who know's we all might have a lot in common. I want to start off by telling you all a little bit about myself. I am 27, in a wonderful and fresh relationship with a wonderful man named Glenn. I have been divorced and hopefully, I will never experience that again. Up until a few months ago, things were looking very bleak, but now I'm getting my life back on track and it feels great!
My ex-husband was a piece of work... A drunk, abusive, poor excuse of a man! I would be covered in bruises all the time, I wasn't allowed to be outgoing like I am, he literally took my life and my identity away from me. I feared for my life on a daily basis and it got to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. There were times where a knife was held to my throat... There were times I was picked up by my throat and carried across my apartment with him telling me he was going to kill me. I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thought of just putting myself out of my own misery. There were times I held that very knife to my wrists... Just looking for a way out. I thought that if I left, he would just find me and kill me himself. He threated my family all of the time which didn't help the situation at all. Looking back, I wish I never put that ring on my finger. It was a burning ring of fire. I was a prisoner in my own home... Not allowed to leave for more than an hour at a time... And even still I was getting phone calls every 20-30 min with him checking where I was and who I might be with.  To be 27 and divorced... not a warm fuzzy feeling.
One day, I finally had enough! He would always tell me that I wasn't good enough for anyone else, that no one could ever love me, and that I needed to change who I was as an individual. He was in a drunken rage, tossing me around like a slab of meat when I finally reached my breaking point. I stopped, took a deep breathe and said "If you can't love me for who I am, you just need to leave!" And with that, he left. At first that was a huge blow to my already non-existent ego, but I would soon feel a sigh of relief not long after that. (That was August of 2010) However, he wouldn't go down that easily and I would still have to deal with his harassment on a daily basis. He finally left Canada and went back to his home country (Poland) in December of 2010. Even with him over in Europe, I still feel uneasy from time to time. I know, that even though he is there, he's not gone yet. Over a 3 year period, I had slipped into a dark depression... Finding myself in a dark hole with no light to guide me out of it. One day, out of nowhere, my light appeared and I was well on my way to healing... Moving on... Finally at peace.